Out of Excuses
by HoldoutTrout
Summary: "Because you usually aren't here when I wake up," Regina said. She tucked in the blanket around herself a little more and added, "after we have sex."


Emma Swan hadn't had anything to drink last night. She remembered turning down a glass of wine and an after-dinner tumbler of scotch with perfect clarity. She remembered exactly why she hadn't had anything to drink, too-not that it mattered in the long run because she was, once again, waking up naked and just a little sore in a bed with sinfully smooth sheets.

Regina's bed.

The other times this had happened, she had blamed her alcohol consumption for skewing her judgment.

This time, though, she had no such excuse.

The whole night replayed in her mind, from Regina helping Emma take off her coat, her hand skimming Emma's sides, to Emma sucking on her finger to get the last bit of chocolate mousse, her gaze locked with Regina's in blatant invitation.

She'd had a pretty good idea how Regina would react to that, and Regina hadn't disappointed her, her eyes dark as she moved to kiss her, already reaching to unbutton Emma's shirt.

The rest of the evening was crystal clear, too, and Emma couldn't quite bring herself to regret anything-she never could, not until later on in the day when she had to look Henry in the eyes when she picked him up from his sleepover or Mary Margaret's place. And looking Mary Margaret in the eyes was getting more difficult, too. There were only so many times Emma could tell herself that she was better off not knowing about whatever this was, because it wasn't like it was going to keep happening, right?

Right.

Only here she was, waking up in Regina's bed. Again.

The thing was, Emma knew they needed to talk about this. It was just… she didn't want to. Talking meant admitting there was a problem. Talking might mean this stopped, and Emma was finally ready to admit she didn't want this to stop.

She just wasn't so sure about Regina.

The first time they'd had sex, Emma had left before dawn. She'd needed some time to deal with such a monumental shift, and she'd planned on talking to Regina about it afterward. Only when she'd seen Regina later, Regina had acted like it hadn't happened at all, and Emma had taken her cue from her.

The next time they'd slept together, Emma had decided that it was better to be safe than sorry and again left before Regina woke up. After that, it had been a pattern, a handful of long nights and silent mornings that left her aching for things to be different, somehow.

She opened one eye, noting the grey light filtering through Regina's curtains. It was still pretty early, and she knew from experience that she could leave now before Regina woke up. That would be easiest, but… she sighed and shifted, adjusting her pillow before closing her eyes. She'd just lie here for another few minutes. Maybe an answer would present itself before she snuck out today.

When Emma woke again, it was to music playing from Regina's alarm clock and room that was softly lit with daylight. She was still mostly asleep even after Regina rolled over and turned off the alarm, but by the time Regina turned back to her with sleepy, surprised eyes, she was awake enough to feel the first stirrings of panic.

Regina said, voice thick and rough from sleep, "You're still here."

"Um…" Emma said. She wasn't sure if Regina was, pleased, upset, or merely observing a fact. "I fell asleep," she said, keeping things simple.

Regina gave a noncommittal _hmm_. "I forgot to turn off my alarm last night. I won't be able to sleep anymore, though." She made no move to get out of bed and continued to look at Emma with an intensity that made Emma nervous.

This was why she hadn't stayed before; she had no idea what to do now. "Do you want me to go?"

It took Regina a while to respond. "You can stay if you like."

Did that mean she wanted Emma to stay? Or go? Regina was tense, and her expression was so fiercely neutral that Emma had no clue what Regina meant by that statement. Emma was so good at reading Regina normally; she didn't understand why she couldn't do it now.

Emma closed her eyes, but it didn't help. She knew Regina was still watching her, still waiting for… something from her. The more she tried to think about what she could say to take away this awkwardness, the more pressure she felt, and she knew that anything she said was bound to be incoherent.

"Okay," she finally managed.

"You don't have to," Regina said, at the same time.

Emma opened her eyes. "Okay?"

"Because you usually aren't here when I wake up," Regina said. She tucked in the blanket around herself a little more and added, "after we have sex."

Ah. Regina _was_ pissed at her.

"Look, I'll just go-"

"If you get out of this bed now, you're not invited back," Regina said quietly.

Emma froze. Regina was still impassive, a closed book. "What do you want me to do?" she asked.

Regina said, "I thought I had this figured out." Her voice wasn't quite steady, but Emma couldn't tell if she was hurt or angry or some combination of the two. "Meaningless sex. Friends with benefits."

"That's-" _what I'd thought_ , Emma didn't finish. Maybe she'd thought that the first time. Maybe even the second. But she'd known she was deluding herself after that.

Regina let out a mocking laugh. "I told myself that you were convenient, that you found me convenient."

Emma raised an eyebrow at that. She couldn't think of a word less apt for Regina than 'convenient.'

"I thought that was enough. We're sexually compatible, and it seemed pretty clear when you weren't here in the morning what you wanted. But you're here today. So tell me what you want, Emma-are you looking for someone to fuck or someone to cuddle with in the afterglow?"

Speech over, Regina folded her arms and waited.

Emma didn't like her chances. That speech told her nothing about what Regina wanted, which seemed like it might make a difference between this continuing and a future where all she got from Regina was accusatory looks and derision.

And it suddenly hit her, how unfair she'd been. Regina hadn't asked what Emma was willing to settle for; she'd asked her what she _wanted_.

Emma felt cold. She took a deep breath, let it out, swallowed, and said, "I screwed up." She didn't wait for Regina to acknowledge that statement before continuing. "I've been an idiot before, but I should win an award for the new levels of stupidity I've reached."

Regina narrowed her eyes but remained unmoved. Emma was going to have to go for broke.

"I do want to fuck you," Emma said. "And yeah, I want to cuddle afterward. And then I'd like to go again. After that, I'm going to tell you that I've been in love with you for a long time-I'm not sure exactly how long but I can work on an estimate between now and then."

Regina's stoic expression faltered a little, but didn't crack.

"So… that's what I want," Emma said, feeling like the idiot she'd just proclaimed herself to be. "Since you asked."

Regina stared at Emma without saying a word. Emma felt herself start to sweat. She fidgeted with the covers.

"Um," Emma said. "Are you going to say anything? Because I kind of need to pee."

Regina laughed. "Are you kidding me?"

Wounded, Emma said, "No, I really do need to pee." She got out of the bed and headed toward the bathroom, turning back just as she reached the door." And you know what? If you don't-I mean, you could have said something, you know? Just said 'Miss Swan, I enjoy fucking you but that's as far as this goes.' You didn't have to laugh in my face about it."

She went into the bathroom, closed and locked the door, sitting down on the toilet and placing her head in her hands.

"Emma?" Regina said, obviously just outside the door.

"Jesus!" Emma said. "Can't a woman pee in peace?"

"I'm sorry," Regina said. "I wasn't laughing at you. I just-look, I've been less than rational about this whole thing. I was… hurt."

Emma sighed before flushing the toilet. She said, "Okay, hang on," and washed her hands before stealing Regina's robe from a hook behind the door.

She opened the door. Regina was wrapped in a sheet from the bed, looking dwarfed in the excess material. Emma leaned against the doorframe, arms crossed. "Okay, so we're both idiots."

Regina said, "Some of us more than others."

Emma bristled, but now was so not the time to make a point of who was or wasn't the bigger idiot. "Sure." She fiddled with the ends of the belt on the robe. "I needed space to figure it out after the first time, and then I thought I was following your lead."

"You're the one-" Regina visibly stopped herself before moving back toward the bed to sit down. "I expected you to force me to talk about it like you do about everything else."

Put like that, it made sense. Emma had always been the one between them to push, to ask for them to be cordial, to be allies, to be friends. She'd even started this by kissing Regina, a move she'd alternately celebrated and cursed herself for ever since. Why had she assumed that Regina would be the one to lead in this one area of their lives? She uncrossed her arms and sat down on the bed next to Regina, their shoulders brushing.

"I should have tried," Emma said. "I really thought-" she hesitated, but for once with Regina, _not_ talking had gotten her into this mess. "I thought you wouldn't want me," she admitted. "And I was willing to settle for a lot less than what I wanted from you."

Regina's lips parted and her eyes went wide. "You thought I wouldn't want you?" she said, as if it never occurred to her that anyone could _not_ want Emma. She put a hand on Emma's cheek and gently guided Emma forward, brushing a kiss against her lips, a kiss that Emma felt take root deep inside and ease open some of the places she'd been holding tightly closed without knowing it.

It was just a brief touch, but they'd never kissed like that before, like they meant it.

Emma sighed, keeping her eyes closed for a second. "I could get used to that," she said, and then she was almost knocked over as Regina kissed her again, urgent and more familiar but still with that same meaning.

Well, she'd apparently managed to say the right thing after all, and this part she could handle. She wrapped her arms around Regina and pulled her onto her lap.

Later, after they'd been following Emma's loose plan by cuddling in bed for an absurd length of time, Regina rolled over and straddled her, a smile on her face and a challenge in her eyes.

"I hope you've been working on that estimate, Emma."

It took Emma a minute to remember what she was talking about, because hello, naked Regina, looking like she was planning to eat her for breakfast (Emma was so not complaining). When she did, she swallowed and said, "I'll get right on it, Madam Mayor."

"Good. I'm going to need it after we take care of a few things around here." Regina's smile was wicked, and her hand-

It was going to be hard to think for the next few minutes, but Emma was sure she'd manage.

Somehow.


End file.
